Most of the things I have and will write about the times I spent as a police officer effect me in some fashion, but the incident I write about tonight is different. It is the single worse incident that I have ever been involved with, and was the beginning of the end of my career as a police officer. I still today suffer emotionally from this incident and doubt I will ever recover from it. This incident is my Achilles heel, it ended me in a sense. I encourage you to not read this if you want to be spared from my pain.
Early April 2000. A warm summers evening. I am working with a great bunch of guys this night. My good friend Tom, and a new officer, whom I helped get hired that I worked with at the Sheriff's department I had previously been employed, and a couple other officers that I liked, along with Susan Cole, the commander of the patrol division whom was a great boss. It was within an hour of the end of my shift and I was in a great mood. I had made a couple great arrests that night, one a felony warrant for kidnapping. I had made a routine traffic stop for speeding 51 in a 35 mph zone, and through a simple license check discovered that the driver was wanted for kidnapping, and the icing on the cake, the 23 year old ex-girlfriend he had kidnapped was in the car. This arrest went textbook style, and the victim was unhurt. I simply had a hunch about this nervous driver and followed it, and later received a letter of merit for this arrest. It's not often that you get to be pro-active about the safety of others, as police officers are most often the reactive end of a crime committed. I also made a car stop early that evening, out on the state highway in which I found 2 pounds of methamphetamine, which is an astronomical amount of meth, and my largest meth seizure ever. I was on top of the world, and I later received a written letter of commendation from the Missouri Highway Patrol. I was truly feeling like everything was great in my world.
Later that evening I was in the parking lot of Police Headquarters talking with a fellow officer when I overheard a medical call dispatch medical to an address in the 900 block of south 11th street reference a baby not breathing. I ended my conversation and advised dispatch that I was en route. I knew I was only about a mile and half from that call and may be able to be of help before the ambulance arrived. I activated my lights and siren and took off, as I pulled up to the address I realized I had responded to 11th avenue, and not 11th street................My mouth dropped open as I realized I had responded to the wrong address. I had always feared being sent to this type of call and I was now even more horrified that I had made a mistake that was going to take me three or four extra minutes to fix.
I finally arrived on the block, which was entirely dark without street lights, and the house wasn't illuminated at all, but I found the address. I was hoping this call would be like others I had been to that were dispatched just like this and that the baby would be breathing and just sick. As I walked through the front door my vision immediately zoomed in on a middle age woman holding a baby of about 6 -10 weeks old, dressed only in a diaper, that was entirely limp in her arms, with it's head back in a horrible angle. The babies skin tone was a blueish tan color, and it was obvious that the baby was in full cardiac arrest. I took the baby from the lady who identified herself as the grandmother and told me the baby wasn't breathing. My entire attention was focused on just the baby. I had just attended a CPR refresher course that had changed the way you were supposed to do CPR on an infant. No longer were you supposed to cradle the baby in your arms, but you were to lay the baby on a hard surface much like an adult. I had given CPR to maybe 10 or 12 adults prior to this, and to one 4 year old, but never an infant, much less a human this fragile. Often times during regular CPR you will break ribs in an effort to resuscitate them, so I was justifiably afraid of giving CPR to an infant. But I had no choice and knew the baby would die if I didn't. So I began. 30 chest compressions given with your index finger and middle finger, pressing about one inch down rapidly, followed by two breaths which involved no more air than you can hold in your mouth, as a full breath would burst the infants lungs. I call dispatch and inform them I have an infant in full cardiac arrest and to have the hospital start the medical helicopter. Two minutes of me performing CPR on this tiny baby and I stop to check for life signs. No feeling of breath on my cheek pressed near the babies mouth. No feeling of a pulse checked on the inner thigh of the baby. I resume CPR and it is at this point I realize that the mother is standing there with the grandmother crying. There is also a young child wearing a diaper about 2 years old standing on a nearby sofa watching me and crying....... I tell the mother to take the 2 year old out of the room, and tell the grandmother to go outside and watch for the ambulance.......and then continue with this horrible task....... I realize that during the time I am performing CPR I am talking out loud to the baby saying "breath baby, breath" and " come on baby, you can make it" finally a first responder from the volunteer fire department comes through the door, and luckily for me it is a firefighter whom I think is decent. Unfortunately he was paralyzed with fear and didn't know what to do, and was no more qualified than me to help this child. But luckily I didn't feel alone now, and felt like maybe there was a chance..........Within a couple minutes the ambulance arrived but the look on the paramedics face when he came through the door didn't comfort me as he immediately ran back to the ambulance. A couple minutes later he was back, and took over for me. He told me he wanted me to lead the ambulance to a nearby landing zone for the medical helicopter. I took the mother with me and with the ambulance following me code three responded to the landing zone that had already been secured by the fire department. I learned that the baby was a girl, a girl named Kathleen Moore and had been born in February 2000 and that they called her Katey. The mother was a single mother named Leslie, and what can I say, she was beside herself, as any parent would be with their child dying right before their eyes.
The helicopter took over care. I checked with my boss, Susan, and told her I was going to drive the mother to St. Johns hospital. Off we went. I averaged a steady hundred miles per hour on the highway, and it was only about a ten minute ride to the hospital. The mother wept all of the way, and it was then I noticed that she was wearing only her pajamas, which made me feel even more sad for her, as I knew the baby was gone, and I tried to comfort her. Upon arrival to the ER at St. Johns we entered, and her ex-husband and ex-mother in law were waiting for her. The father was freaked out by the fact that I (the police) were there. I assured him it was only routine. I left her with people that loved her and went into the ER to wait the babies arrival. Quickly the baby was brought in to a single pediatric trauma room. the doctor , two nurses, and a medic all worked on the baby tirelessly. Sadly to say the baby didn't survive. Soon after the babies passing, a minister entered and was speaking with us all, as the nurses un-hooked IV's etc, and cleaned the baby up so the family could see her. I had to ask the doctor all of the routine questions. Any obvious signs of abuse, neglect, etc, etc...and of course there were none. I must have been putting off signals I didn't realize because the minister asked everyone in the room if they were alright, and then looked directly at me and asked me if I was alright. I wasn't but said that I was........He then asked me to go with him to tell the family the bad news, which I did........and was the single most horrible thing I have been apart of. After receiving copies of the hospital paper work I left the ER. AS soon as I got behind the wheel of my patrol car I lost it......I was crying so hard I could not see clearly, and could not clearly talk. It took several minutes before I could see clearly enough to leave. 15 minutes later and I was back in my city, and 5 minutes after that I was at the police department....... I stood outside the door for about 30 seconds steadying myself before I entered. When I went in everyone in the squad room could tell ( and there were about 5 or 6 officers present) that I was upset. A corporal ask me if I were alright, and I said "no" and with that started crying.....I felt ashamed that I showed my feelings in front of the other officers.... The lieutenant took me aside, and told me I could go ahead and go home if I wanted, and that I could submit my report the next day. I immediately left, and, sadly enough did what I usually did to hide my pain, I drank. I drank enough beer to pass out and sleep.
Early the next morning I got a phone call from an angry medical examiner telling me that I was required to submit my report, and that I had to meet him at Cox south hospital, in the morgue, to document the autopsy...........My nightmare had began again. So I arrived and did my duty. I took photographic evidence, and written documentation of the autopsy of this child. I was forced to watch them cut, gut, and defile this innocent angel in a emotionless manner...................there is something dehumanizing about watching when they remove the heart, and weigh it, remove the brain and weigh it, and look at the contents of the stomach, and weigh them as well, and then throw all of the pieces away, through a hole in the center of the examining room table...
I had to return to the home where the baby lived the next day, to gather extra details for the child death review board, and going through the details, I learned that the Mother, Leslie, had put Katey down for bed at 8:30 PM after feeding her 4 ounces of formula. Leslie checked on her at 9 pm and found her unresponsive and blue..............I recovered a specimen from the babies bed of a gray colored matter that was later described as formula....
The results of the autopsy, and the child death review board ruled that the death was an accident and most likely the result of aspirated formula caused by the infant sleeping on her back and vomiting........A week later, on my birthday no less, I received a medal, and letter of commendation from the police department for my life saving efforts, which only made me feel worse. I also found out that this child was the grandchild of a Greene County Deputy I knew well.
BUT........the bottom line is this...... I have never been the same since this night. I feel guilty about this babies death. I drove a total of an extra 35 blocks because I made an error in the address of this home. I feel like I am responsible for this child's death, this little girl "Katey" to her family, might have had a chance if I had paid more attention and hadn't screwed up......to this day I visit her grave in Springfield on a regular basis, and often times talk to her and leave her toys appropriate for her current age............What else can I say, this incident can still make me cry, and I think of it often.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Chapter Four......The other side....
As a police officer you develop a sixth sense if you will. I call mine, my "spidey" sense.......and mine was extremely acute. I had a certain ability about me as a police officer that others did not. No matter the day of the week, the time of day, or my location I could find a "scumbag" or otherwise trouble to get in.....I was affectionately dubbed a "dirt magnet" by my fellow officers for my afore mentioned gifts/abilities.......
It's late fall, near dusk, probably about 5 pm when I observe a gold colored older Ford Probe pull out from the parking lot of the "Church of Christ". Normally this wouldn't raise any red flags with me but as the Probe pulled out, it was accelerating heavily, breaking traction (peeling out) and nearly losing control as it swerved into the south bound, inside lane of travel and quickly was driving about 50 MPH in a posted 35 mph zone. I pulled within a hundred feet of the vehicle, just close enough to read the license plate. I called the information in to dispatch, which always starts with your radio number, mine being 302........so the call sounded something like this.......302 rolling 28/29 check southbound 22nd and J hwy......which means "Officer Miles was requesting information about the vehicles registration and a stolen check on a moving vehicle, and by giving the location usually means an impending vehicle stop. I usually ran vehicle plates, if I had time, before making a car stop so I might have the heads up if the vehicle were stolen, or the registered owner might be a dangerous felon......The return came back on this car as "no stolen" to a "John Doe" on a 1989 Chevy.....This let me know that the plate was on the wrong vehicle, and was just one more reason for caution. I let the sector car for the district I was in that I was going to be stopping this vehicle shortly, and if not busy requested that they assist. The car was now approaching a red stop light, and I planned after the light turned green, that I would initiate the stop, but the Ford Probe's driver had other plans. He ran the solid red stop light at 50 MPH, and narrowly missed cross traffic. Apparently this guy was going to force me to stop him before I wanted to. I slowed at the red light, turned on my emergency lights an siren, and safely pulled through the intersection. The probe instantly bolted, quickly accelerating up to near 70 mph, and it quickly turned on the first cross road. I informed dispatch that I was now in pursuit and my speed and location. The radio sounded an emergency radio tone and then the following traffic...."Officer needs assistance, vehicle pursuit at such, and such location"......3 units responded that they were en route to assist. After about 2 miles I quickly realized that the driver of this vehicle was out of control, and the charges I had did not out weigh the threat to the public on and near the streets, so I terminated the chase. But as luck would have it, the probe crashed into a parked car as it tried to negotiate a fast turn onto a side street, just as I radioed I was terminating. The driver instantly bolted, and I was now in foot pursuit. It was now surprise to me to see my suspect didn't have a shirt on, and had the balding leftover of a mullet flowing behind him. ....(just a quick interruption to my story, and this is primarily to new officers that may be reading this, if someone your dealing with doesn't have a shirt on, 9 times out of ten they are going to fight you, run, or otherwise be the focus of your attention, it's like a red-neck warning system, so I suggest when arriving on a call to find a shirtless subject, go a head and cuff them as soon as you can)..... I quickly caught the subject within a block or so. Even when bad guys are thinner and younger than you, they are rarely in good cardio shape and rarely have any ability to run further than a couple hundred yards. The cuff's went on smoothly, and the winded dirt bag starts yelling that he wasn't driving (even though he was the only in the car and I saw him behind the wheel). As I walk him back to my patrol car he starts the tough man strut, telling me how lucky I am that he's in handcuffs of he would "fuck you up"......I remind him that he was cowering like a frightened kitten when I caught him....... I can tell this guy is under the influence and soon discover this is an all to common arrest for me.........the care is not stolen, but the license plates are, he has no insurance, he has a revoked driver's license with a ten year denial, and numerous misdemeanor traffic warrants, child support warrants, and for failing to appear warrants. Also radio advises me he has an active restraining order against him, and that a sheriff's deputy will be en route to my location to "serve him". He is about 22-24 years old, 5 ft 10, 140 lbs. Dirty, smelly.....lots of poorly done tattoo work let's me know that he has been in prison. His dirty blond hair, is actually dirty.......He soon starts the familiar crying act as he sits in the cage of my patrol car, he also begins the all to often begging for a last cigarette, and saying how thirsty he is.......I deny the cigarette and his asking for water is a sign that he is under the influence of drugs......More often that not, people on street drug's, especially meth tend to be dry mouthed, with white crusties on the edges of their lips, and they tend to be incredibly thirsty..........He finally quiets down during the 10 minute ride to the jail. As I open his door and grab him, to stand him up, I notice that his skin is cold and clammy, as well as sweaty, even though it's maybe 65 degree's in my patrol car. I also notice that his speech is increasingly becoming slurred, and he seems to be getting to the top of his high.........
As I am waiting to release him to a booking officer, I take his pulse.....it's about 45 beats per minute...........I took it again 5 minutes later, this time it was 140. I tell the in-take medical officer, they tell me that I am going to have to take him by the ER to get him medically cleared before they can accept him.
Arriving at the ER, I have them assist me in getting the subject inside.......My prisoner starts being disruptive and starts spitting, and threatening staff, so the nurses decide to bypass triage, and take him directly to a room. His behavior worsens, and the medical staff place him in leather restraints, and they put a spit mask on him. Over the next ten minutes, as they are working on him, his pulse fluctuates from 30 beats per minute to almost 200, also his blood pressure is going back and fourth as well. AS they are hooking up an IV to him they tell me that he has most likely over-dosed and ask if we had found anything at the scene, which we hadn't but I tell them I suspected meth use within the last few hours......at this point the medical staff seems fairly concerned with him, but everyone is still joking around. Cops and emergency room staff see each other often enough that you are usually on a first name basis with each other. The prisoner's eye's start to roll up into his head by now, and his talking to himself when he loudly and clearly blurted out " No, no.....no I'm not ready. Don't take me, don't take me!" and then he immediately flat-lined..............Now I have seen people die before this, and a lot of already dead people, but this was different. Immediately the air in the patients room became cool, and thick. You could feel that there was a presence there, and that "they" were there to take him..........The medical staff tried to revive him for about 40 minutes, with no success......
Everyone was quiet after this, and we were all a little bit freaked out. We all knew that something from "the other side" had walked amongst us, and taken him. It was really creepy to consider, but the angel of death had been there and chosen him, and not us. One thing that really bothered me was that this guy really didn't sound like he wanted to go with them.......and I pondered that maybe he wasn't going someplace good.....
I had to call my supervisor, who notified detectives, and the medical examiner....anytime you have an "in-custody" death of a prisoner it is a big thing.....after an exhaustive review it was determined that I had not done anything wrong, or contributed to this subjects demise and that he had died from a massive over dose of methamphetamine taken probably as he was fleeing from me......
Up until this point in life I really wasn't sure if I believed in life after death, but after this I did for sure, and it scared me......I felt sorry for this guy, and wondered to myself how different he and I really were. What little things in his life had sent him down this road, and what a waste it was. Somewhere there were children that called him dad, and someone who called him son.
It's late fall, near dusk, probably about 5 pm when I observe a gold colored older Ford Probe pull out from the parking lot of the "Church of Christ". Normally this wouldn't raise any red flags with me but as the Probe pulled out, it was accelerating heavily, breaking traction (peeling out) and nearly losing control as it swerved into the south bound, inside lane of travel and quickly was driving about 50 MPH in a posted 35 mph zone. I pulled within a hundred feet of the vehicle, just close enough to read the license plate. I called the information in to dispatch, which always starts with your radio number, mine being 302........so the call sounded something like this.......302 rolling 28/29 check southbound 22nd and J hwy......which means "Officer Miles was requesting information about the vehicles registration and a stolen check on a moving vehicle, and by giving the location usually means an impending vehicle stop. I usually ran vehicle plates, if I had time, before making a car stop so I might have the heads up if the vehicle were stolen, or the registered owner might be a dangerous felon......The return came back on this car as "no stolen" to a "John Doe" on a 1989 Chevy.....This let me know that the plate was on the wrong vehicle, and was just one more reason for caution. I let the sector car for the district I was in that I was going to be stopping this vehicle shortly, and if not busy requested that they assist. The car was now approaching a red stop light, and I planned after the light turned green, that I would initiate the stop, but the Ford Probe's driver had other plans. He ran the solid red stop light at 50 MPH, and narrowly missed cross traffic. Apparently this guy was going to force me to stop him before I wanted to. I slowed at the red light, turned on my emergency lights an siren, and safely pulled through the intersection. The probe instantly bolted, quickly accelerating up to near 70 mph, and it quickly turned on the first cross road. I informed dispatch that I was now in pursuit and my speed and location. The radio sounded an emergency radio tone and then the following traffic...."Officer needs assistance, vehicle pursuit at such, and such location"......3 units responded that they were en route to assist. After about 2 miles I quickly realized that the driver of this vehicle was out of control, and the charges I had did not out weigh the threat to the public on and near the streets, so I terminated the chase. But as luck would have it, the probe crashed into a parked car as it tried to negotiate a fast turn onto a side street, just as I radioed I was terminating. The driver instantly bolted, and I was now in foot pursuit. It was now surprise to me to see my suspect didn't have a shirt on, and had the balding leftover of a mullet flowing behind him. ....(just a quick interruption to my story, and this is primarily to new officers that may be reading this, if someone your dealing with doesn't have a shirt on, 9 times out of ten they are going to fight you, run, or otherwise be the focus of your attention, it's like a red-neck warning system, so I suggest when arriving on a call to find a shirtless subject, go a head and cuff them as soon as you can)..... I quickly caught the subject within a block or so. Even when bad guys are thinner and younger than you, they are rarely in good cardio shape and rarely have any ability to run further than a couple hundred yards. The cuff's went on smoothly, and the winded dirt bag starts yelling that he wasn't driving (even though he was the only in the car and I saw him behind the wheel). As I walk him back to my patrol car he starts the tough man strut, telling me how lucky I am that he's in handcuffs of he would "fuck you up"......I remind him that he was cowering like a frightened kitten when I caught him....... I can tell this guy is under the influence and soon discover this is an all to common arrest for me.........the care is not stolen, but the license plates are, he has no insurance, he has a revoked driver's license with a ten year denial, and numerous misdemeanor traffic warrants, child support warrants, and for failing to appear warrants. Also radio advises me he has an active restraining order against him, and that a sheriff's deputy will be en route to my location to "serve him". He is about 22-24 years old, 5 ft 10, 140 lbs. Dirty, smelly.....lots of poorly done tattoo work let's me know that he has been in prison. His dirty blond hair, is actually dirty.......He soon starts the familiar crying act as he sits in the cage of my patrol car, he also begins the all to often begging for a last cigarette, and saying how thirsty he is.......I deny the cigarette and his asking for water is a sign that he is under the influence of drugs......More often that not, people on street drug's, especially meth tend to be dry mouthed, with white crusties on the edges of their lips, and they tend to be incredibly thirsty..........He finally quiets down during the 10 minute ride to the jail. As I open his door and grab him, to stand him up, I notice that his skin is cold and clammy, as well as sweaty, even though it's maybe 65 degree's in my patrol car. I also notice that his speech is increasingly becoming slurred, and he seems to be getting to the top of his high.........
As I am waiting to release him to a booking officer, I take his pulse.....it's about 45 beats per minute...........I took it again 5 minutes later, this time it was 140. I tell the in-take medical officer, they tell me that I am going to have to take him by the ER to get him medically cleared before they can accept him.
Arriving at the ER, I have them assist me in getting the subject inside.......My prisoner starts being disruptive and starts spitting, and threatening staff, so the nurses decide to bypass triage, and take him directly to a room. His behavior worsens, and the medical staff place him in leather restraints, and they put a spit mask on him. Over the next ten minutes, as they are working on him, his pulse fluctuates from 30 beats per minute to almost 200, also his blood pressure is going back and fourth as well. AS they are hooking up an IV to him they tell me that he has most likely over-dosed and ask if we had found anything at the scene, which we hadn't but I tell them I suspected meth use within the last few hours......at this point the medical staff seems fairly concerned with him, but everyone is still joking around. Cops and emergency room staff see each other often enough that you are usually on a first name basis with each other. The prisoner's eye's start to roll up into his head by now, and his talking to himself when he loudly and clearly blurted out " No, no.....no I'm not ready. Don't take me, don't take me!" and then he immediately flat-lined..............Now I have seen people die before this, and a lot of already dead people, but this was different. Immediately the air in the patients room became cool, and thick. You could feel that there was a presence there, and that "they" were there to take him..........The medical staff tried to revive him for about 40 minutes, with no success......
Everyone was quiet after this, and we were all a little bit freaked out. We all knew that something from "the other side" had walked amongst us, and taken him. It was really creepy to consider, but the angel of death had been there and chosen him, and not us. One thing that really bothered me was that this guy really didn't sound like he wanted to go with them.......and I pondered that maybe he wasn't going someplace good.....
I had to call my supervisor, who notified detectives, and the medical examiner....anytime you have an "in-custody" death of a prisoner it is a big thing.....after an exhaustive review it was determined that I had not done anything wrong, or contributed to this subjects demise and that he had died from a massive over dose of methamphetamine taken probably as he was fleeing from me......
Up until this point in life I really wasn't sure if I believed in life after death, but after this I did for sure, and it scared me......I felt sorry for this guy, and wondered to myself how different he and I really were. What little things in his life had sent him down this road, and what a waste it was. Somewhere there were children that called him dad, and someone who called him son.
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