Chapter five............Hell

Most of the things I have and will write about the times I spent as a police officer effect me in some fashion, but the incident I write about tonight is different. It is the single worse incident that I have ever been involved with, and was the beginning of the end of my career as a police officer. I still today suffer emotionally from this incident and doubt I will ever recover from it. This incident is my Achilles heel, it ended me in a sense. I encourage you to not read this if you want to be spared from my pain.



Early April 2000. A warm summers evening. I am working with a great bunch of guys this night. My good friend Tom, and a new officer, whom I helped get hired that I worked with at the Sheriff's department I had previously been employed, and a couple other officers that I liked, along with Susan Cole, the commander of the patrol division whom was a great boss. It was within an hour of the end of my shift and I was in a great mood. I had made a couple great arrests that night, one a felony warrant for kidnapping. I had made a routine traffic stop for speeding 51 in a 35 mph zone, and through a simple license check discovered that the driver was wanted for kidnapping, and the icing on the cake, the 23 year old ex-girlfriend he had kidnapped was in the car. This arrest went textbook style, and the victim was unhurt. I simply had a hunch about this nervous driver and followed it, and later received a letter of merit for this arrest. It's not often that you get to be pro-active about the safety of others, as police officers are most often the reactive end of a crime committed. I also made a car stop early that evening, out on the state highway in which I found 2 pounds of methamphetamine, which is an astronomical amount of meth, and my largest meth seizure ever. I was on top of the world, and I later received a written letter of commendation from the Missouri Highway Patrol. I was truly feeling like everything was great in my world.



Later that evening I was in the parking lot of Police Headquarters talking with a fellow officer when I overheard a medical call dispatch medical to an address in the 900 block of south 11th street reference a baby not breathing. I ended my conversation and advised dispatch that I was en route. I knew I was only about a mile and half from that call and may be able to be of help before the ambulance arrived. I activated my lights and siren and took off, as I pulled up to the address I realized I had responded to 11th avenue, and not 11th street................My mouth dropped open as I realized I had responded to the wrong address. I had always feared being sent to this type of call and I was now even more horrified that I had made a mistake that was going to take me three or four extra minutes to fix.



I finally arrived on the block, which was entirely dark without street lights, and the house wasn't illuminated at all, but I found the address. I was hoping this call would be like others I had been to that were dispatched just like this and that the baby would be breathing and just sick. As I walked through the front door my vision immediately zoomed in on a middle age woman holding a baby of about 6 -10 weeks old, dressed only in a diaper, that was entirely limp in her arms, with it's head back in a horrible angle. The babies skin tone was a blueish tan color, and it was obvious that the baby was in full cardiac arrest. I took the baby from the lady who identified herself as the grandmother and told me the baby wasn't breathing. My entire attention was focused on just the baby. I had just attended a CPR refresher course that had changed the way you were supposed to do CPR on an infant. No longer were you supposed to cradle the baby in your arms, but you were to lay the baby on a hard surface much like an adult. I had given CPR to maybe 10 or 12 adults prior to this, and to one 4 year old, but never an infant, much less a human this fragile. Often times during regular CPR you will break ribs in an effort to resuscitate them, so I was justifiably afraid of giving CPR to an infant. But I had no choice and knew the baby would die if I didn't. So I began. 30 chest compressions given with your index finger and middle finger, pressing about one inch down rapidly, followed by two breaths which involved no more air than you can hold in your mouth, as a full breath would burst the infants lungs. I call dispatch and inform them I have an infant in full cardiac arrest and to have the hospital start the medical helicopter. Two minutes of me performing CPR on this tiny baby and I stop to check for life signs. No feeling of breath on my cheek pressed near the babies mouth. No feeling of a pulse checked on the inner thigh of the baby. I resume CPR and it is at this point I realize that the mother is standing there with the grandmother crying. There is also a young child wearing a diaper about 2 years old standing on a nearby sofa watching me and crying....... I tell the mother to take the 2 year old out of the room, and tell the grandmother to go outside and watch for the ambulance.......and then continue with this horrible task....... I realize that during the time I am performing CPR I am talking out loud to the baby saying "breath baby, breath" and " come on baby, you can make it" finally a first responder from the volunteer fire department comes through the door, and luckily for me it is a firefighter whom I think is decent. Unfortunately he was paralyzed with fear and didn't know what to do, and was no more qualified than me to help this child. But luckily I didn't feel alone now, and felt like maybe there was a chance..........Within a couple minutes the ambulance arrived but the look on the paramedics face when he came through the door didn't comfort me as he immediately ran back to the ambulance. A couple minutes later he was back, and took over for me. He told me he wanted me to lead the ambulance to a nearby landing zone for the medical helicopter. I took the mother with me and with the ambulance following me code three responded to the landing zone that had already been secured by the fire department. I learned that the baby was a girl, a girl named Kathleen Moore and had been born in February 2000 and that they called her Katey. The mother was a single mother named Leslie, and what can I say, she was beside herself, as any parent would be with their child dying right before their eyes.



The helicopter took over care. I checked with my boss, Susan, and told her I was going to drive the mother to St. Johns hospital. Off we went. I averaged a steady hundred miles per hour on the highway, and it was only about a ten minute ride to the hospital. The mother wept all of the way, and it was then I noticed that she was wearing only her pajamas, which made me feel even more sad for her, as I knew the baby was gone, and I tried to comfort her. Upon arrival to the ER at St. Johns we entered, and her ex-husband and ex-mother in law were waiting for her. The father was freaked out by the fact that I (the police) were there. I assured him it was only routine. I left her with people that loved her and went into the ER to wait the babies arrival. Quickly the baby was brought in to a single pediatric trauma room. the doctor , two nurses, and a medic all worked on the baby tirelessly. Sadly to say the baby didn't survive. Soon after the babies passing, a minister entered and was speaking with us all, as the nurses un-hooked IV's etc, and cleaned the baby up so the family could see her. I had to ask the doctor all of the routine questions. Any obvious signs of abuse, neglect, etc, etc...and of course there were none. I must have been putting off signals I didn't realize because the minister asked everyone in the room if they were alright, and then looked directly at me and asked me if I was alright. I wasn't but said that I was........He then asked me to go with him to tell the family the bad news, which I did........and was the single most horrible thing I have been apart of. After receiving copies of the hospital paper work I left the ER. AS soon as I got behind the wheel of my patrol car I lost it......I was crying so hard I could not see clearly, and could not clearly talk. It took several minutes before I could see clearly enough to leave. 15 minutes later and I was back in my city, and 5 minutes after that I was at the police department....... I stood outside the door for about 30 seconds steadying myself before I entered. When I went in everyone in the squad room could tell ( and there were about 5 or 6 officers present) that I was upset. A corporal ask me if I were alright, and I said "no" and with that started crying.....I felt ashamed that I showed my feelings in front of the other officers.... The lieutenant took me aside, and told me I could go ahead and go home if I wanted, and that I could submit my report the next day. I immediately left, and, sadly enough did what I usually did to hide my pain, I drank. I drank enough beer to pass out and sleep.



Early the next morning I got a phone call from an angry medical examiner telling me that I was required to submit my report, and that I had to meet him at Cox south hospital, in the morgue, to document the autopsy...........My nightmare had began again. So I arrived and did my duty. I took photographic evidence, and written documentation of the autopsy of this child. I was forced to watch them cut, gut, and defile this innocent angel in a emotionless manner...................there is something dehumanizing about watching when they remove the heart, and weigh it, remove the brain and weigh it, and look at the contents of the stomach, and weigh them as well, and then throw all of the pieces away, through a hole in the center of the examining room table...


I had to return to the home where the baby lived the next day, to gather extra details for the child death review board, and going through the details, I learned that the Mother, Leslie, had put Katey down for bed at 8:30 PM after feeding her 4 ounces of formula. Leslie checked on her at 9 pm and found her unresponsive and blue..............I recovered a specimen from the babies bed of a gray colored matter that was later described as formula....



The results of the autopsy, and the child death review board ruled that the death was an accident and most likely the result of aspirated formula caused by the infant sleeping on her back and vomiting........A week later, on my birthday no less, I received a medal, and letter of commendation from the police department for my life saving efforts, which only made me feel worse.  I also found out that this child was the grandchild of a Greene County Deputy I knew well.





BUT........the bottom line is this...... I have never been the same since this night. I feel guilty about this babies death. I drove a total of an extra 35 blocks because I made an error in the address of this home. I feel like I am responsible for this child's death, this little girl "Katey" to her family, might have had a chance if I had paid more attention and hadn't screwed up......to this day I visit her grave in Springfield on a regular basis, and often times talk to her and leave her toys appropriate for her current age............What else can I say, this incident can still make me cry, and I think of it often.